Relationships... what makes it and was breaks it?
Become the butterfly…
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But first… Why relationships?
A few days ago I received a message from one of my India retreaters, saying that her husband is sending me his regards and is full of gratitude!
She went on further, saying that he could not imagine that a one-week retreat could have that much of an impact on her.
Husbands are important stakeholders in my coaching practice☺☺☺. Therefore, I’m happy he is happy☺☺☺ because that is not always the case…
I’m dedicating this blog to my mom, who thinks I’m on a mission to “divorce women” ☺☺.
-I have clients who struggled with relationships and then, transformed their relationships.
-I have clients who could not create healthy relationships, and now they are in amazing relationships.
-I have clients who were in ugly relationships, got to know themselves, separated facts from fiction, and made new decisions… divorce.
-I have clients, who suffered bitter breakups, and now they freed themselves emotionally and are becoming more ‘alive’ in their lives every day.
I’m here to help the Soul and not the form!!
So, let’s explore relationships and the BIG ‘Why’☺
One of the basic coaching tools I use, is the BIG question… WHY?
To understand anything, we first need to get to the ‘Why’ of the matter.
The ‘victor’ why, Not the ‘victim’ why.
The ‘curious’ why, that is looking for answers that lead to the ‘victorious’ you, not the ‘judgmental’ why (why me, poor me) that leads to the ‘victim’ you.
According to Tony Robbins, we have 6 basic human needs:
-Certainty: we need to feel secure and assured.
-Uncertainty: when things get too secure, we get bored, so we need excitement.
-Significance: we need to feel that “we matter”, that we make a difference.
-Love and connection: we need to love, feel loved and connected.
Contribution: we need to feel that feeling when we go beyond our self.
-Growth: we need to feel we are growing, because what does not grow simply dies.
As you may notice, these human needs are all feeling states, nothing materialistic!!
Feeling of certainly, feeling of excitement, feeling of significance, feeling of love, etc.
To reach these feeling states, we use some physical vehicles (tools); i.e. actions.
We are spiritual beings having a human experience. We are Body and Spirit.
The Truth is the spirit. The body facilities the experience for the spirit. That’s why all human needs are spiritual.
For now, I will stay with the 4th need, of “love and connection”. We as humans need love and connection.
But why is it called ‘love and connection’?
Because without a real spiritual connection, one that is beyond the physical, there is no love. Connection is that energy you feel and needs, in order to excel and up-level yourself. It’s another word for ‘passion’.
Without this connection, you have, with anything you do, as in your work, for example, you won’t go far.
The same applies to relationships.
Remember, relations are here to fulfill the basic human need for love and connection. They are not goals, they are vehicles, in meeting and fulfilling a specific need. When this connection is lost or non-existent, relationships break.
Failing here does not necessarily mean separation or divorce. There are numerous failed relationships that still exist, on a physical level, in a marriage.
It’s important to note, that setting a relationship as ‘your goal’, which I actually witness a lot in my practice, can cause a lot of frustration, and sometimes lead to hating the relationship because our specific human needs are not met.
That’s why, choosing the ‘right’ goal helps us achieve it, exactly like asking the ‘right’ question to get the ‘right’ answer.
And the ‘goal’ is your human need for ‘love and connection’, not the physical or materialistic side of a relationship!!
So how do you feel the love and connection in your relationship?
Step 1: Be who you are!!
Yes… be who you are. Do not pretend to be someone else. You want to feel loved and respected for who You really are. This is foundational to be in the right relationship, in order to meet your human need.
So, if you are in a troubled relationship, here are some guidelines for you to follow.
Explore deeply, the 6 human needs mentioned earlier, and how you can use them to better understand where you stand in a relationship and how to advance it or end it.
(Mama heads-up, soon you will need to stop reading☺☺)
When not feeling alive in your relationship, it’s time to first pause, and get to know who you are. Connect to yourself. Know what feels right for you and what does not feel right. Know what really matters to you and what does not.
The key here is to get to know yourself, not judge yourself!
Now, it’s time to question, not doubt yourself. Doubt happens when we don’t know ourselves. Questioning is different. It is questioning your thoughts and actions.
Next is running the 6 human needs tools, by both parties in the relationship.
Each one should ask themselves:
Do I feel certain and safe in this relationship?
Do I feel excited in this relationship?
Do I feel I matter in this relationship?
Do I feel love, and feel loved and connected in this relationship?
Do I feel I am contributing to this relationship?
Do I feel I’m growing in this relationship? Remember, What Does Not Grow, Dies!
Once you know what feelings are met and what are not, time to create some vehicles to meet that need; i.e. actions.
For example, not feeling secure, you need to express that, using the ‘efficient communication tool’, a tool I blogged about before. Expressing yourself does not mean fighting, attacking or defending.
If you are not feeling excited, think of ways to bring more excitement into the relationship, etc.
Are you going beyond yourself in the relationship?
Are you contributing?
In certain relationships, sometimes all it takes is the use of these vehicles (tools) of communication, understanding, fine-tuning, actions, questioning, etc., in order to eventually see and feel the positive change needed for a relationship to “click” and move forward.
As is the case I mentioned earlier when my client’s husband expressed his happiness and gratitude for the change he began seeing in their relationship.
On the other side, a common question I get often is: “But what if he does not change?”
First, you must do your work! It’s important for you anyway. Then we deal with the results as feedback☺
From experience, when we change, others change. Sometimes the change is too late, but they change! And that’s also feedback, as to where we stand today!
This tool will help you navigate and balance the” I “and “Us”.
It’s important to note, that any act or relationship, that meets more than three human needs, becomes addictive. So, work on raising the needs that you meet in your relationship.
This is the same tool corporations have started using recently, to keep their employees in a healthy relationship with their jobs!
Now the rest of the blog is 18+. So mama don’t listen to this part☺
By now you know that, first, you need to ‘know who you are’.
Next, is to ‘Show up’ as who you are.
Then, question your thoughts, which are necessary, without doubting yourself.
Ask “How did you contribute to the present situation?”
Use your tools: 6 human needs and effective communication tools.
Stay away from the lethal weapon of ‘Assumptions’.
And if you still cannot meet your ‘human needs’, then it’s time for decisions.
As I am writing this blog, my dear friend Banu Tansug was there. She said: “Now you showed them how to work on a relationship. Next episode is how to divorce and navigate its rough waters”.☺☺ I’ll think about that Banu☺
In the book, I discuss the 6 human needs in more details to help you understand how they shape our characters, which will also help you understand people differently.
Remember your spirit is the priority.
Become the butterfly in your life to become the butterfly in your relationships.